Deleting 'Mom'

Dear Mom,

Tonight I deleted your phone number from my cell phone. I hadn't forgotten that it was there. I've known it all along. For some reason, I had refused to delete it. I had to force myself to do it tonight. The phone asked me, Are you sure you want to delete 'Mom'?

The realization that I would never be calling you again, caused the emotions to revisit me again. I had thought that I was starting to heal.

Then, I spoke with Michelle on the phone and she told me that she had come across a card that you sent her back in July. It was a birthday card. You spoke to her about how hot it was there, in Alabama. Because of the heat, you said you looked forward to September. Little did you realize as you penned those words, that September would be the end of your time on earth with us. If you only knew!

You sent Tammy an e-mail echoing the same sentiments. She told me about it the other day.

I am overwhelmed with despair as I ponder the reality that I will never again talk to you on the phone. With the exception of the cassette tape that I made with you, years ago, I will never hear your voice again. With the exception of my wedding video, I will never see you walk again in this life. It's over. Period. Finality.

There are often times that I think that I have moved on. No, it's not that I don't think about you every single day. But, I think that maybe it's getting easier. Maybe the hot tears are behind me. I thought that I had done all of my crying the night we said goodbye to you in the hospital, as we watched your blood pressure and heart rate fall, along with our tears. The pain was almost too much to bear.

But a month later, the pain is still intense. I hurt around my heart. Tension has taken over around my shoulder blades, my neck and head. I haven't had this many tension headaches since I worked for the cut-throats at Channel 10.

I see your remnants all around me. Your van is parked outside. The S-10 pickup you owned before that is also parked outside. There are countless things you bought that were left at my house over the years. There's not a single room in my house that doesn't contain something that you bought, or made, and left. And on the outside, the yard and shed are full of stuff that came from you. I couldn't get away from reminders of you, if I tried.

Some day we'll all be together, when the tapestry of this life is all woven. I'll have a million questions for God, on that day.

For instance, I'll ask Him why He allows the wicked of this life to victimize the poor and lowly among us. I'll ask Him who created cancer, because I doubt that it is a natural occurance. I'll interrogate Him on the reason for the wars that are senseless, and have served no other purpose but to inflict pain and suffering upon millions of people throughout history. Why are the evil people permitted to have reign in this world and to wreak their havoc and heartache upon the innocent, and manipulate the populations down through the ages?

These are questions to which I would love to know the answer.

But the first question that I'll ask Him is, Where is Mom? Because when my time is over on this earth, you will be my greatest priority.

And when I see you there, whatever pain and suffering I've endured in this life will be worth it all.

Love, Darren