Our purpose

Dear Mom,

It's funny how odd this life can be. My perspective has changed so much since your departure from this physical world. In my head, I knew that this life was only the preliminary event — that there was something greater and better on the other side. That's what I've always believed. And yet, I was certainly in no rush to get there.

Since you left the physical realm, it has caused me to examine a lot of things. My own mortality being one of them.

I once asked a co-worker if he ever wondered how much time he has left on earth. Without hesitation, he responded, "no". When I pressed him as to why he didn't, he said, "Because when you focus on that, you stop living".

If what he said is true, then I stopped living that night, at the hospital. The night you took your last breath. The night we had to come to terms with the reality that your body was shutting down. Your lungs were clogged with cancer and blood clots. Your ability to breathe was only dependent upon a machine. Your blood pressure was only supported by a constant flow from the IV drip.

We realized that we couldn't keep you like that forever. Day by day, you worsened. You looked like you had already gone. Praying for a miracle, we gave the hospital permission to begin to shut it all down.

I wasn't going to stay in the room with you. It was too painful. I went to find your sister who was praying in the parking garage. Yet, I had to return. I wanted to know what was happening. Had we received our miracle?

I couldn't stop weeping that night. As your pulse became weaker, your blood pressure became lower, I couldn't believe what was happening. It couldn't be true! How could such a precious woman be dying? It was like a nightmare from which there was no awakening.

It's been about seven months, and I still haven't awakened. They say time heals, yet I find myself raw when I see another picture of you. When something is said a certain way, in floods the emotions anew. Michelle and the girls think of you constantly. They believe they feel your presence at times. I hope you are able to come visit us some times, but I'm not so sure.

As I look at this evil world, the threats that we face from a few power-hungry people, the bleak future that seems to be ahead, I sometimes wish that I could escape what lies ahead here. Sometimes, I wish I could join you in a happier world, free from government oppression and greed.

Yet, I will continue to live. My family needs me. Others need me. I have some strange purpose to fulfill, evidently. Why else am I here?

Maybe that's the purpose of life. To be placed in a world of hell, and to rise above it all. To learn that your life isn't about you; it's about others. To understand that your purpose is to make others stay here more pleasant. To help others when you can, and to hurt others as little as you can.

Your life is a testimony to that philosophy. No, you weren't perfect. Nobody in this life is perfect.

But your brief time in this world made the lives of those around you far richer than they would otherwise have been. In short, you fulfilled the purpose. Your purpose. Our purpose.

And hence, you graduated.

I only hope to do as well as you.

I love you,

Darren